On the Eve of Kindergarten

(Previously written)

Nora is going to kindergarten tomorrow. Up until this point I don’t think I’ve thought too much about it right? Like an inevitable thing coming toward us but I could never wrap my head around what it
would feel like. With all that’s happened this summer-the move, the new house, new everything, I just kind of put it from my mind.

So we bought the stuff, the new shoes, the freezeable lunch box, the school supplies. We went to the meetups, read the kindie packet, did the assessment. We did all the things to prepare her, and us for Kindergarten. She is ready, but I am not.

It wasn’t until today when I found myself pulling her flower LL Bean backpack out and saw it needed to be washed that I realized just how not ready I am. I’ve spent the last 5 years of our lives with her
daily. Even working part time from home allowed me to be super involved all the time. Even when she went to preschool it was 3 hours and I had a 20 min drive there and back with her. And now,
she’ll be somewhere else for 7 hours a day, not at home playing magnatiles and painting asking if we can go to the park. And I know, I know it sounds like she’s getting shipped off to boarding school but goddamn, this time has gone so fast! How do I all of a sudden have a kid starting elementary school when I truly feel like I barely just gave birth to her.

Cut to me getting her things ready for tomorrow, sobbing. Crying for her growing up so fast but also crying for the unknown. Everything that comes with school, the new routine, the events, the PTA, the new connections, the freaking illnesses. But the biggest reason why I cried on the eve of Nora’s first day of kindergarten? I no longer feel like I can keep her safe. And it pisses me off that we as Americans are forced to have the uniquely (and keep legislatively choosing) American experience of gun violence in schools. I drive past a street in my neighborhood named after a teenager who died tackling a school shooter at a local high school. Very American to have honored his courage and his memory with a street sign instead of legislation that would prevent this from ever happening again. How am I supposed to wake up every morning and let my child go somewhere that doesn’t feel safe? Where she’ll have to practice active shooter drills and hope that she never has to experience a real one. How are we supposed to get our kids excited for school and reassure them that everything will be fine when we don’t know that to be true? Our
children deserve so much better than what they’ve been given. They deserve to go to school and learn from teachers, staff and their friends without the fear of being harmed or killed by gun
violence. I have no positive spin on this (like I so often try to do), these are the things that keep me up at night. Feeling helpless to keep my child safe as she goes off to her first day of elementary
school.

Nora is my entire heart and she’s going to kindergarten tomorrow. She is ready but I am not.

Two organizations I’ve interacted with in the past in order to not feel so helpless in the fight against gun violence:

Moms Demand Action- https://momsdemandaction.org/

March Fourth- https://www.wemarchfourth.org/